when my greatest joy stops being enough

Spring 2017-6wm

Being a mother is my favorite job and I have had A LOT of jobs. It’s the only one that if I quit I would feel more empty than relieved. If I got fired I would cry, be miserable and feel less than for a long time. I would beg for the job back and promise to improve cause let’s be real if I were to get evaluated at the moment I would get a good old “needs improvement”.

I am starting to understand that children really are “our greatest masterpiece”. If today was it for me, if I was fired from this mom position (and I’ll be honest some days I wish I was fired.) it would be the job that I would feel the most proud of. No matter your parenting style you are the one who keeps them from being A holes. You have the responsibility to make sure that these gross, smelly, sticky little humans, known as children or offspring turn out to be decent additions to the world. People who leave a mark on the world in some way; they turn out to be a little bit better than who you turned out to be. Or at the very least someone who says please thank you and stops throwing blocks at people’s heads by the time they are 2. No big deal, that is not an intense amount of responsibility or anything.

My children fill my cup some days, not everyday.  Sometimes it feels like they are taking way more than I am capable of giving. Then I stop and think about it; there is nothing better than snuggling in bed in the morning watching a Story Bots together. I love when we are all squished on the little couch reading books. Being the only person your baby wants when they fall is a nice little ego booster. I love seeing them grow, change, learn, discover. Those little monsters sure do know how to keep me humble and boy oh boy have I learned more than I would have liked to from them. Truth be told I love being a mom.

Then why doesn’t it feel like enough? Why do I feel a little bit empty and unfulfilled some days. Is it when I am unshowered, haven’t brushed my teeth in who knows how long; is it the fact that most days it’s hard for me to actually finish a full coherent sentence? Is that what it is? I’m not really sure.

The days when the house is clean the kids are happily playing together nicely dinner on the table and a clean bra on those are the wins. I feel like, I got this, I can do this! Then bedtime happens, and I am back to feeling….. what is this feeling?

So I try to fill this…this whatever it is. I workout for a week, fill out my calendar, make a meal plan, shop, volunteer for things, have a girls night. None of it works though long term. So where does that leave me?

So about a year ago I started selling LuLaRoe. It seemed like a great way to help bulk up our savings and help support my retail therapy; because for whatever reason being responsible for three little lives isn’t enough (What is that?).  Recently I hopped into a group for retailers only from one of the tops dogs. I love her, I think she is fantastic and I wish we could be buddies. She loves her job, it fulfills her,  it fills her cup. She has been having morning motivational tips and when I watch them I actually feel worse? Not because of her but because I feel like damn why don’t I love this as much as her? What DO I love about this? Why am I doing this? Why am I staying up late? Spending weekends away from my family? Then I asked the more important question she was asking, “What motivates you? What fills your cup? Why am you doing what you do?”

RELATIONSHIPS.

I can’t help it I am a relationship junkie. I want to know all about YOU. I want to know what makes you tick. I want to share any little bits of knowledge that I have to share. I want to encourage, share my failures and wins. This is what I have loved about any job that I have had,getting to know the people. When I get to build on current relationships. Foster new ones and strength old ones. I have also always loved connecting people. It wasn’t until last week that I realized this is a gift. It’s not just something I am good at by chance. This is something that I am now realizing is something God has gifted me with, which I believe that when the big guy gives you a gift you better put it to good use.  You better figure out how to use it best in the best way to bless others. Thinking about ways to use this gift fills my cup.

Thinking that there is more to me than wiping butts, emptying dishwashers and trying not to loose my cool is relieving. Thinking that I may have other gifts than raising small people, cause let’s be real, that’s a gift, is like, PHEW!

So when I finally had a little time to breathe, get out of my own head and stop trying to fill my void in my own strength I began to not feel so… whatever that feeling is. When I stopped asking ME what I could do and starting focusing more on Jesus, more on how I can serve others the best way he has created me to do the more it became clear that just being who I have been created to be will fill me up. It’s okay to have OTHER joys, other things that get me out of bed in the morning, because I was created for more than just the very important role of mom. I have many talents, skills and interests. Just like all the other wonderful mothers I know and love.

So there it is, when I focus on loving people, serving those who cross my path, it makes these fleeting moments with these little faces my greatest joy.

 

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